mid january musings

January 14, 2026

mid january musings

Hello Sunny Mid January Day

I glow in you.

I am here again. Of Meanderings. I haven't been here in a while. Maybe because of the fear giving the internet all of my thoughts.

Maybe finding other avenues, conversations, ways of being to let this all out, of processing, of becoming, who knows.

Woke up in ryan's bed again, we talk about inner depth. I feel the most loved and seen when I can share anything with someone. When it can be received and held precious. When I don't need to filter what I think from what I say. When someone can read through my "I don't need dinner" and take me to the store with better lighting to pick out a perfect frozen pizza, spinach, mushrooms.

"theres too many choices" "this is what boyfriends are for"

It echoes in my head, this novelty. of course after all this time, he is my boyfriend. it's just nice to hear it from his side. I get lost in my inner world, forget that someone is perceiving me throughout this all, as well.

To return and to be so vulnerable to lie on the floor, eyes closed stretching. To hear him assembling it for me with such care, to eat slices, kneeling on the yoga mat, facing each other, his knees on the outside of mine. Him holding a plate for both of us.

To love someone for who they are. To receive that in return. To understand the limits. To yearn for unconditionality and know that conditions create containers, bounds of love. It's stronger through continued action. Of helping each other, caring for each other, cooking for each other, listening to each other, remembering another.

Love (like sunshine, like moonlight) cannot be held.

It's nice to feel secure in this exchange. The gentle physical care and reciprocity of walking, eating, confirming existence, reading between the lines. And finally saying things that cannot be telepathically communicated.

My last semester is coming in 6 days. I really told myself I would have a good solid first draft (tm) done by now but that has not happened. This thesis project feels existential.

I think about the alienation of production, capital, the exploitation of land. How I internalize that all. That with freedom of wheels, I expand my input. How my being feels everything I see. Its pain.

How the scale of big industrial development makes me feel so small, vulnerable, scared, powerless. To think about this scale zooming out, carving this precious world. Had to take a shower to feel it all.

It's like the time has melted away through spirals and puddles, big things, little things, distractions, general energy. I am fragile, I need rest, I need to talk it out multiple times with my Passionate Female Friends (tm). I need people to tell me that I made the right choice. It's hard for me to know all the time. I want to do things together. The world is so big.

"You cant have someone tend to your wounds until you reveal them" wise rach says.

In matters of the heart so much comes up. Finding security in myself is always the first step. true undeniable unconditional inner trust and security. I went to sleep with a racing heart. Woke up again to pace around his home. brushed my teeth, washed my face, and returned to fall asleep on a man's gentle rising forest of a chest. Finally, in breathing together, I found stillness. Coregulation. We faced each other, face in chest for much of the night. To breathe in another is a gift.

We talk about the ways we are broken, the fear we have, the care we need. We hold each other because it is sweet and beautiful. Because we enjoy each other. It's simple, it really is.

So my 6th semester starts again, The end of 3 years. I am thrust into academic intensity once again. I am not teaching. I will rise like a fire horse, and talk through things, and receive clarity, I will take action through fear, doubt, trial and error, I will recalibrate. I will I will