stillness what a lovely feeling

Somehow we made it. To the moment that was dreamed of for so long. 

The first Monday of ~no expectation~ 

It is summer now -- an arbitrary assignment based on not having obligation. Savor it. This stillness. 

I often fill this life with a slurry of activity. In fast feet and fast wheels wandering and meeting and reuniting. There is usually joy in that process but now I feel called to the vast stillness that I have been drifting away from. This stillness that lets one process, digest, peruse, and feel into choices and states of being. 

My wheels are broken and I must stroll in leisurely sandals, flowy dresses, my sun hat, and a magical necklace that sings when I step.

I value autonomy so much. I have wondered where the whims and the feelings pounding in my chest will take me. And they have brought me to this place of pause. I want movement. I want dynamic interaction. I want curiosity and intrigue. And here I am needing to breathe in one place. 

Change scares me. Structures crumbling. Structures establishing. Starting over. Saying goodbye. There is such vulnerability in the newness. And a place of dissonance to revaluate who you wanted to be and who you are. And what you wanted to fit and what actually did. Another round of recalibrating and finding those who are in sync with you. It's easy to dream of the past that has already happened and wonder. It's harder to turn wonder into action after being humbled.

And yet the absence of change feels paralyzing. Static. Sinuous. Numbing and limiting sameness. Like the crew in pirates of the Caribbean. Stillness sometimes feels like barnacles on the bottom of a ship.

So here I am, on a vacant monday, in the place of in between. Listening to Johnny Cash. Writing my morning pages. I started reading the artists way last night. After spending time with a beautiful sunset. I think it will be the perfect level of being.

This place of in between is where the goodness lives. I feel it.

I was in a deep cave of grief for a few months. With watery eyes and a heart that couldn't roll herself up the hill again and again I felt completely incapable and completely wounded by all encompassing and ever replenishing layers of suffering. I felt cursed. Incapable of witnessing the beauty of dusk. Or the slowness of steel cut oatmeal. Or the newfound joy of sleeping with your head where your feet normally go on your comfy bed. 

Crawling out of this cave and into the sun has revealed beauty and capability once again. Ascending the mountain of picking up my computer from best buy. Of going to the Himalayan fair and not seeing my neighbor. of Going to Kylers beautiful graduation party. And surrendering to an afternoon nap. 

I'm dissolving narratives and finding new ones. Releasing stories and entering reality and the acceptance that there is often no rhyme or reason. And I have no clue what I am doing. 

I like this pace. I'm gonna take it easy. I wont fill it up until it overflows. Let's see where it goes.

I am glad to be full of love once again, I missed it.