i'd love to change the world.

The sky is dark, the moon does not speak. i wake after sleeping for ten hours, bare skin in pink linen. rising at dawn to dream again. and again. and again. 

this new moon in cancer passes through my house of close relationships. this illumination has me letting go of my impulse to brace for fear. fear makes chi contract. fear cannot fester in agility. fear thrives in darkness, stagnation, and drifting far way from the present moment (in past, in future). flow chi like the river. the river is where i am the happiest girl in the world. 

i am fire, air, and earth (in that order). and water, time and time again, completely heals and calibrates me. allows me to be my fullest channel. i've known this since i was three, with twinkling anklets in the pool. submersion is magic. and it is how i fuel my bravery, courage, luck, and devotion. 

driving back from the mountains, i made a commitment to myself that i will let go of everything from the past. the invitation i am receiving is to release resentment from everything.  and in releasing this - there is the ability to receive, fully truly, the blessings and love and gifts and genuine wholeness of this life. there is spaciousness in what i can receive with this new commitment to myself, the world, others. i am seeing how releasing fear has made me closer to the closest in my life. how in being active and present, i am witnessing blooming in these partnerships. 

on my drive, i listened to beautiful myths about creativity. how being creative allows us to embody the great Creator in us. we become channels for something larger than ourselves. and creating is the point. there is grief in the complete ending of something, in a story being "told." the process of creating, is the build up. being "done" and looking at your creation, is a little death. 

i see this in my life. i try often to hold on to what i think is my truth. there is often only one "truth" i can see. this time is breaking me free from that cycle. i will not define myself before i am done. i will not tell my story, and dig it's grave. i will not calcify it in outdated narratives. i will not mourn things that have not ended. i will not create patterns that don't exist. 

i want my life to be an active unfolding that i am present in every step of the way. that i am true in. that does not need defintion, bounds, boxes. that is eclectic and full and honest. that i align myself with, a buoy on the tidelines of alignment. i do not move with a desperation, i move with a true, innate ease, a sense of wellbeing. truth. harmony. nourishment, wholeness. 

i spent time thinking of the mental maps and stories that we define ourselves with. these maps can filter every step we take, every thought we have. they can distort an experience before it has even started. they are incredibly malleable, with radical acceptance and practice. it is very possible to actively transform them. with deep inner empathy for oneself. i feel it in me.

once, in a bath full of lavender and epsom,  i thought of myself and "my story" as a stranger. i cried with deep and profound empathy and love. i felt so incredibly compassionate for the person i am. so proud of myself. and yet, that story was a script, a map, a narrative. that does not necessarily need to shape my future. i can choose my evolutions. 

i love seeing how i have evolved archetypically. this spring, i was all chariot - pioneer - fool. now i am empress, high priestess, lover. i know what i want and i will do it. i am learning. i am loyal, stable, intuitive, devoted to others. in archetypal explorations, we are parts of a whole. 

Imagine a large net stretched across the vast expanse of our world system studded with an infinitely faceted jewel at each intersection. Each glittering jewel is unique in its structure and mirrors all the others—ultimately reflecting and expressing the radiance of the entire universe. All of totality can be seen in each of its parts. Such is the metaphor used in the ancient Buddhist “Avatamsaka (Flower Garland) Sutra” to illustrate the interconnected and interpenetrating nature of all phenomena.

- https://fjordreview.com/blogs/all/indra-s-vast-net

we can see these archetypes as reflections of radiance, in different expressions. 

I am feeling a deep love of being in service and devotion to those who are closest to me. expressing mutual devotion through caring action. in true knowing, but not defining. i find this mutual devotion in my closest partnerships. in our mutual witnessing, our deep attention, and care. we nurture eachother. steward each other. we water those inner plants. boyfriend will be back tonight. i feel us cross pollinating our minds, interests, and selves. calibrating partnership. it is satisfying, generative, expanding. i want to experience more with him. to continue witnessing the world. to continue being in harmony. 

my hardest close partnerships are when i am not in harmony. when the timing doesn't work. when the mug is dropped. when the pan is scraped. when the communication isn't expressed. i feel this with the people i share my dwelling with, i feel great disharmony. 

espceically with a cancer new moon, i am thinking about home, those i live with, my own energy leaks, my defensiveness. in my own home is where i am the most guarded. i see the crab of myself hiding, closing off, becoming bitter. i see my own shadows reflected in this home. and i am deeply frustrated often. 

especially in this lunation, i am releasing is the incompatabilities of those i live with, with the joy that in 2 weeks i will be in my own space. that i will be able to expand into a new space. to create new harmony.  

through long term relationships - our beams and shadows are revealed. it's cyclical. it's intimate. and its inescapable. you cannot hide from those who have known you through months, years. it's a truth reflected. and sometimes you bring on partnerships (me - and those i live with) that you don't even realize you are in. and you must release them to receive better calibrated energy.

so in this time, i am closing this cycle of home, and very intentionally moving into my new space. i am thinking of the harmony, devotion, and ways of being that truly let me expand in my fullness. that let me create balance in my body, soul, and partnerships. that allow for reflection, creativity, wholeness.

tonight, i will take my thoughts, my punch bowl, my camping supplies to my new home. i will do this with great care. 

i will flow like the river. i am the flow of life. chi flows through me.